It has been silent here for over a year, unsurprisingly. It has been over a year now since I lost Izumi. This has been a very tough year to get through! When you lose your partner, you’re not only losing her but also countless other things: you lose everything that could have been for you and her together in the future! There have been many moments in the past year when I wished I would die. Honestly I’m still pondering about that. Life has mostly lost its purpose and feels very empty, even one year later.
So it’s not surprising that all of my interests were frozen as they became completely meaningless to me, including the development on my game project(s). Slowly, very slowly I’m regaining some interest in approaching these projects again. But ultimately I’m asking myself what the purpose of games is at all. Games and game development, among other things, have lost a great deal of appeal for me since the profound experience of this loss.
It’s kind of like you have been dreaming all life long and suddenly your eyes have been opened. You start to contemplate seriously about much more profound questions such as why are we even here and why does anything exist at all. So my interest naturally shifted to learn more about the biggest question of all questions. I’ve become far more spiritual, realizing that everything material is only of temporary existence. In my belief the only thing that is eternal is the spirit and the mind itself.
So what is there to do in life that could be ultimately of value for you? Personally I tend to believe in Rebirth (or Reincarnation) as this makes a lot of sense and while it has many implications it also answers many questions. I’m not particularly religious as I tend to see religions as something that has been created over thousands of years as an outcome of mostly naive human existence. I’m not against religions either as they undoubtedly add a lot of diversity and color to life. Anyone who is against Religion is obviously only thinking in black and white! My wife has been Buddhist (although non-practicing like most others). Buddhism has been by far the most tolerant religion that I came across so if there is any religion I would align myself with, it is Buddhism, not at last out of sympathy to my deceased wife.
In any case, thinking about existence with rebirth in mind changes a lot of the perspective toward existence. To sum it up, since we are originally spiritual beings who are reborn over and over again, there seems to be no beginning and no end, otherwise we have to ask: where are the spirits born and who gives birth to them? I’ve contemplated a lot about this and read several books relating to topics like these, some of them very bad ones and other ones trying to get further, but ultimately I came to the point that there was no beginning to time and space. And there will be no end. There is in fact only Infinity. While Infinity is quite impossible to imagine for us, I tend to think that Nothingness is even harder to imagine. String Theory and any other highly theoretical stuff regarded, you will come to the conclusion that the cosmos could not be created out of nothing. Strings and (mem)branes are still something and not nothing. So if you’re so physically-empirically inclined to claim that String Theory explains the beginning of existence I’m sorry to tell you that it won’t cut it for me. Not in the slightest!
Like many others today I first question religious beliefs and theory about the beginning of existence which can’t be proven in any way. String Theory and the Big Bang Theory are after all just theories. And highly hypothetical ones on top of that. It doesn’t prove anything at all when a rock star scientist shows up with his highly complex mathematical formulas to try to prove anything. There is no prove. I’m not impressed! It could all as well just be wrong! I’d hate to be called a Skeptic, though. Some people decorate themselves with this title, even though by now it has so many negative connotations to it. The word Skeptic has been polluted by modern use. A Skeptic is likely to lean to a “no” answer every time. I resist this “skeptic” tag because leaning toward a “no” answer is a prejudice itself. Luckily I have a mind that is open and tolerant enough to take into consideration anything that we don’t know, be it that we don’t know yet or that what we never will know. Here’s a simple question:
You stand in front of a house. Somebody else is standing behind the house. Just because you can’t see him, does it mean for you that he isn’t there?
This brings it to the point! There is no purpose in arguing about the metaphor used here! It’s as simple as that!
So much for the philosophical side of things. As I said most things have lost a lot of appeal for me. Because of this I haven’t so far continued to work on my role-playing game project named Trailed Alliance and this site has been stagnant ever since. That said, I’m slowly regaining interest in continuing to work on it. This has to do with my above question:
What is there to do in life that could be ultimately of value for you?
After you die, after you’re gone, what did you do in life that was of great value for you and what do you want to leave back for anyone to remember you?
Most people will not achieve anything great and will disappear back into oblivion without being remembered for anything (except from their most-closely related family and friends). But that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t try to achieve something greater.
So after I’m gone, what is left from me and will anyone care? Not unless I create something that will have at least a small impact and since I see art as something timeless and games as a form of art and since game development is my expertise I can imagine that developing a great game that isn’t forgotten two days later could be a start. This is where the scope comes in! This is where creating a great story starts to be significant!
Trailed Alliance is quite an enormous effort with a large scope and I’m still working out the main story line which, by the way, has no doubt been influenced by the experience of my loss and the shaping of my belief.
Meanwhile people sometimes tell me that this is far too much to deal with as a game project and that you need to “kill your darlings”. It’s amazing how people can say such things as if they had some right for deciding over your intellectual property. If George Lucas had listened to these people we would never had seen Star Wars. J. K. Rowling would have never put together Harry Potter … <insert long list of other great artistic achievements here!> … So, if I can give you an advice: don’t kill your darlings! Do what you love to do and keep working on that! Don’t focus on being popular! That will come by itself if it’s well earned! After all, you want to be remembered for something great after you are long gone, don’t you?!